Dear Ava

I thought of you today.  You would have just turned seven. 

Right before you and your sister were born, God said to me “Get ready to see something wonderful”.  But do you know what I saw when I looked at you?  Disease.  Injustice.  Hopelessness.  Anguish.  Uncertainty.  Fear.  Insecurity.  Pain.  Zero chance of survival.

Yet, there was God alongside me in this turmoil—exuberant; jumping up and down in a triumphant celebration.  This was part of why I was so angry at Him!  His joy was so disrespectful to my reality!  He was actually giddy at the thought of you coming into the world, but it seemed to me like such an act of cruelty to create something that would only suffer.

You were a thrill for Him to bring to life.  It never gets old for God.  You were waited for with eager anticipation.  He held His breath in the excitement of revealing you to the world.  I’m sure He was aware of the things my eyes saw, but they were no threat to Him.  Nothing is a threat to Him—not age, nor disease, nor statistics, nor sin, nor poverty, nor grief, nor our constant failure, not even death.  Nothing can prevent us from being alive in His mighty love, which hasn’t decreased for us a bit since the day we were born.

My eyesight is changing.  I’m starting to see what He saw when He created you.  In fact, I’m beginning to see it underneath all of our doomed flesh:  Opportunity.  Hope.  Power.  Love.  A stage for victory.  A place to receive joy.  A display of beauty, grace, and truth.  A reason to jump up and down.  Purposeful, vibrant, undefeatable life.  I am finally seeing that “something wonderful” He promised when He created you. 

Are you great in the kingdom of heaven?  I found the way to where you live.  You helped me find it.  You left behind everything I thought you would need.  I’m learning how to do that, too.

You still “are”, and that gives me joy. 

I love you,


6 thoughts on “Dear Ava

  1. For the past week, when I nurse James in my bed, during burp breaks and afterward, he looks up at the framed spoons and smiles each time. This has happened lots and lots of times, and he is not very giving with his smiles yet. It makes me think of Ava and Bella. Wonder what they are experiencing now. Make me wonder what they would be like. I miss them.

  2. That was truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read! So unbelievable soft spoken and touching! What a new way to see the world in spite of the pain and suffering you’ve been through…thank you for sharing!

  3. You speak with such love, such authenticity, your words amaze and draw me in….you are a truly amazing “mama”….

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